Wednesday, 20 June 2007

NIKE SPONSERED TIGER WOODS $100 MILLON FOR A FIVE YEAR DEAL!

NIKE SPONSERED TIGER WOODS $100 MILLON FOR A FIVE YEAR DEAL.
HERE IS A PICTURE OF HIM THE DAY HE SIGNED THE CONTRACT...


To Alcohol…




According to..........
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
Homer Simpson

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch ?
W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me, than a full frontal lobotomy.
Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence ?
Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart


Why is Australian beer served cold ? So you can tell it from urine.
David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm


Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Anonymous

I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Homer Simpson
CHEERS!

MEN AND WOMEN


Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.


Girls' English

Yes = No

No = Yes

May-b = No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!

" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!

We need to talk" = I need to bitch.

"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.

" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I’m beautiful.

" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.

" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

Guy's English

" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

" I'm tired " - I'm tired

" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

" Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.


" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.

" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.

" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.

" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!

" Let's talk" = I am trying' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!

" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal 4 you to have sex with
other guys.

Male Rules

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want... Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as hockey, food, or sex.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's
like camping

things


help me!
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea.."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and The Fool's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14 Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

15. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

16. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.”


these are true, very well written and entertaining. jokers are always quick witted. nalingaw ko..

Posted by: Lotis May 21, 2007 07:14 AM

gwapa

Posted by: Lotis May 21, 2007 07:15 AM

Hi Lotis
Thanks hope your ok,
Added a couple of extra things today hope you like them.
:-)
Melody

Posted by: melody May 26, 2007 11:26 PM

tourists-wind up article

MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern
word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of
seventeen cents American.


MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"
- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands
with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.


FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
(BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth
while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine
grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia
- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.

When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.
Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again,
in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
understand that he should run a tab for you.

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A BLOKE

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Mississippi

A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come
again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to
spell Mississippi."

"The Box Under The Bed"

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said,
"I am putting a box under the bed.
You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her
and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious
as to why there even was such a box with
such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,
"I am so sorry.
For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.
However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know,
why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said,
"I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.
Whenever I was unfaithful to you,
I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said,
"I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.
However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen,
and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Simone asked Shane,
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Firming it up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said,

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept
silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said:
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a fearsome grip in place, she said:

"You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of
the gardener,
the postman,
the pool man,
and your brother."

Never argue with a Woman – who reads!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Queensland. The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One
morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to
take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take
the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to
read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside

the woman and said, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a
book," she replied, (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "I'm
sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all
the
equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and book you ." "If you
do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," said the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," said the
Ranger.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start
at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.