tourists-wind up article

MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern
word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of
seventeen cents American.


MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"
- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands
with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.


FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
(BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth
while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine
grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia
- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.

When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.
Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again,
in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
understand that he should run a tab for you.